And Now…

So, since the last post, the boyfriend and I have talked more about it. He helped me realized some things. Mostly, he helped me determine that my real fear is not them not accepting me- they’ve gone from dislike to strong indifference and it doesn’t seem to be changing- but that it is something completely different that troubles me. I want to be good enough. I want them to really know that I do love their son unconditionally. That I strive to be what he deserve. I want to give him the world as much as I do my son. I want to slice the world in two and serve it to them on fancy china.

However, I have also come to the understanding that I need nothing from them cos I have everything I need from their son. Life with him and the child is superb! For the first time in… forever? I finally look forward to waking up and being with the people around me. We have a good life, and we are working on making an even better life. Yes, I do wish they could be more a part of our wonderful life; however, it is still just as splendid the way it is now.

I am actually happy. Something that I would have never actually thought possible less than 10 years ago. At one point, I wanted to die so badly that I tried to take my own life. More than once, I did. It is a dark truth but truth nonetheless. Struggling to just want to live is hard. I was still on that journey to a better place when he showed up and swept me off my feet. He didn’t change me though. He made me want to change myself, and we both continue to grow and change. Just like my scars, the wounds of my past have healed. Now I can look towards the future with two amazing guys, a huge dose of optimism, and a big ass smile on my face.

And the boyfriend has awoken now…

Bye for now!

MY BF’s FAMILY

I have a problem with my boyfriend’s parents, or, more accurately, they have a problem with me. It spills over to the entire family too, annoyingly enough. It’s infuriating to think they have the audacity to assume they know me in any way, shape or form. For over two years now they have ignored my very existence, to the point where even my boyfriend has become annoyed and can’t make excuses for them anymore. They disappointed him this very Christmas. What is funny is the fact that what they think they know about me, this muddled and tainted “truth” that is so far from the very meaning of the word that I dare not call it truth anymore. Although, despite my boyfriend’s and my own efforts, they don’t do a thing to change their perspective on the woman their son is in love with. They nearly tore us apart. I won’t lie about it being one of the most painful things I’ve gone through. I have been bullied all my life, and I have the scars to prove it, but this had taken it to a whole different level.

Time went on and I have slowly realized that none of them in his clique of a family could ever even begin to compare to the bright light that is my boyfriend. I truly have the best one of them in my life, so I have begun to move on from desiring their acceptance. But it seems the very instant they realize that their son wants to marry me one day, everything begins to change and they suddenly care more and want to actually give him things. Things that I gave him, and things I continue to work to give him. I want him to be happy. I want him to have everything in the world. He is so amazing and truly an indescribable person. He deserves the world, and I want to give it to him. However, now I feel threatened… because how else have they left me to feel about them? The only thing they’ve ever given me is: fear, anger and a sense of being threatened of losing one of the best things to come into my life.

Even the mother, who I had looked up to, has deceived me and attempts to deceive their son. “I’m sure there must be something nice about her since you love her.” She doesn’t even know me, nor I really her, and she already broke my heart two years ago. I have always wanted to contact them and shed a little truth on what actually transpired those nine months my boyfriend and I lived with his sister; however, I don’t want to revisit those feelings and I don’t think it would make any difference now anyhow. Even when my boyfriend confronted his sister about owing me an apology, she made me out as what was actually her role to the man who was actually there. So we have just shrugged any resolution off from that.

Everything had been falling into place. An actual home to call our own and traveling is what I have been working on gifting to my love. Saving up to build our own home, we have, and I have been saving what extra money of mine I have to put towards trips that we could enjoy. There never gave him anything grandiose before, and the minute he makes it clear that he is serious about me– a car and some big trip suddenly happen. The car itself terrified me but he was able to calm me, and then next thing I know there is a trip almost at the same time we are going to Canada. They don’t care to get him in trouble at work, or the fact that we currently have trip to Canada we are looking forward to. I’d like to believe it a family trip s0 s0 badly, but they have given me nothing to show it as such. They have only hurt me. My love for their son is unconditional and I am not going away just because they think they don’t like me. They don’t know me. I don’t even think they know what an amazing son they have, truly. Maybe they are just realizing how he is more astounding then all of them combined, and now they are trying to take him from me. What else am I to think? I wish they would give me something else to feel about them, but I don’t think I’d believe any words out of their mouths at this point.

I am scared. I am hurt. I love him so much, that I didn’t know true love until him and my child is an understatement. Him and my son are my family. He makes us a family and my son and I are not going to let them rip us apart anymore. I know my fears bother my love because he sees what this has done to me, and to us, and I don’t want there to be some stupid ultimatum between us and them. He loves his family so I want him to be close with them. I just wish they would stop with the cold shoulder, behind the back kind of stuff. I know more than they will ever know I know. I know it was just this Christmas I was talked about in a negative light again, and, yes, I did state I’ve been ignored the last two years so I don’t know how they feel they have any authority to make judgements in the first place.

I have been loved. I have been hated. But I have never been so vehemently disliked in my life. This sucks. All I want is a honest chance, but we may be well past that ever happening. No matter what they put me through though, he is worth it. They can do their worst because I get to spend every day with one of the best men I have ever known. And no one will ever love their son as much and unconditionally as I do. It really is their loss; they will never get to see the man he is when he is with my son and I. That man is only for our eyes and hearts, I suppose. I might be getting all this hurt, but he is worth it and I would consider myself the winner, if this stupid thing was ever some competition for him. I wish it was less a competition and more… anything else.

I love him and I am not going anywhere.

no title. really.

Everyone wants to run away at some point in their lives. Depressed people more than most. Addicts too. Though, in all honesty, all humans are addicted to something in life. I may not need a needle to feel like life is worth living anymore, but I still need that special something, whatever-it-may-be kick to remind me that life isn’t all tears and hopelessness. It is pain, however. Without that all too familiar pain, our dreams of ever after would forever remain as such. We can’t feel the fairy tale without feeling the same struggles all those protagonists felt too first. I guess that’s what makes the difference between a sad life led and one later to become the tales we tell our children. It seems life is more complex than the initial credit I had given it. I mean, it still kicks me on my ass today. This day, actually. Like an irritating reminder that life isn’t like your on-demand special, where you can fast-foward the bits you find uncomfortable. No, it’s a first come, first serve, eat or starve, prey or predator kind of life. At least mine has turned out to be. Who knows? Chances are that my prospective is an oddity, a rare one among oddities as well. You know, I’ve been wondering these last 25 years: where do I fit in and belong? I’ve come up with two possibilities. 1) No where. I will provide to my son until it’s time for me to let him go, then I will have to make do with some kind of exotic pet for my lifetime companionship of any kind. 2) It doesn’t actually exist. For anyone. We all seem to seek approval of some sort, right? Why seek such a thing unless constantly seeking approval? And why seek approval when we truly feel like we belong somewhere? The answer is that we don’t, actually. At least not the unlucky ones. Does a place for us actually exist? Do I wish I knew the answer even?

Are you viewing charity the right way? You might be surprised!

“A lot of people say now that business will lift up the developing economies, and that social business will take care of the rest. And I do believe that business will move the great mass of humanity forward. But it always leaves behind that 10%, or more, that is most disadvantaged or unlucky. And social businesses need markets, and there are some issues for which you just can’t develop the kind of money measures that you need for a market. I sit on the board of The Center for the Developmentally Disabled. And these people want laughter, and compassion, and they want love… How do you monetize that?”

Excerpt from: Dan Pallotta;TED Talks: The way we think about charity is dead wrong– watch the talk!

Talk about inspiring! This changes my entire view of charities. Now we just need to spread the word and change how we all view charity, then finally start making some real changes in people’s lives. If you could start any kind of charity, what would yours be for/about?

One Year Down & Going Strong!

Today is my one year anniversary with my gorgeous and amazing boyfriend. I am happy to be sharing my life with him. I’m glad he’s chosen me– I wouldn’t choose anyone else other than him, myself. I love him. This is my first, realserious relationship where this may lead somewhere special. I’d talk more on it right now but- even though we are 2 1/2 hours away from each other- we have celebrated by both getting wasted. Hah.

CELEBRATIONS TO THE BOYFRIEND & MYSELF! ONE YEAR! woohoo!

The Boyfriend & I @ Waffle House

The Boyfriend & I @ Waffle House

 

I love you. I fucking love you.

What Is This!?

I’m a procrastinator. That’s a fact. Want to know another one? When faced with “stressful” times, I typically shut down. A natural introvert, that gets worst, and I don’t let anyone in- not even my closest loved ones. Definitely not the world-wide-web. It’s something I am actively working on though, with much thanks to my wonderful and supportive boyfriend. He truly is amazing.

What The Hell Am I Talking About!?   Where Is This Going, Skhylar!?

The answer: Fuck if I know 「please forgive my language」

I guess I am trying to explain why I haven’t been blogging… However, the truth of the matter is, is that this is my personal blog- where I don’t advertise or seek out followers- so no one really cares. To me, this is my own little yet public spot of accountability. Err… well, for now at least. Changes will be coming sooner or later. Also, I wanted to jot down the latest changes in my life at this particular moment. Things like:

  1. Moving in with the boyfriend. There’s even more to this but that’ll be saved for another time.
  2. Noa turning 2-years-old on December 28th of this year– 2013! Wow! I can’t believe how fast he is growing! He really is so smart, not to mention absolutely gorgeous. Also, there’s news about Noa as well but, once again, I’m going to save that for a later time.
  3. Adjusting. Coming into our own. Becoming a “Family Unit”, if you will. My love said he was fine with that wording, and that’s all that matters.
  4. Man, so much more… I can’t even think right now.

I apologize for the very poor writing quality of this post- as well as the post before this one, so please have mercy on me, Fellow Literature Lovers of the World.

 

picture time:

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