7- just off the top of my head- Simple Truths to Recovering from Addiction:

So, despite having pages and pages of blog post ideas, I haven’t been able to think up a single thing to write about. Yes, even with Mothers’ Day. I tried to write about it and how this is my first Mothers’ day ever, but I just ended up venting because it didn’t turn out the way I had pictured it would with my rose-colored glasses on. I did get a Mothers’ Day gift; however, it was from my own mother in place of my son, who is only four months old. Even though I’m not really a jewelry kind of girl, and it apparently screams “shiny thing!” at Noa which encourages him to grab it, I do love the necklace.

My Mothers’ Day Gift from Noa [aka my own mother] <3

So what am I going to talk about in this post? Most likely addiction, or actually recovery is the better term to use here. It’s been weighing on my mind quite a bit the last couple weeks. Up to this point, I’ve attained 1 year, 8 months and some odd amount of days clean [1, actually, as my calendar just told me so]. That’s a big deal in the recovery world! I mean, they give you a handful of key rings your first year of recovery, then maybe you get one after a decade[?]. I’m not sure, as I only have the first key ring. That’s what I get for being a lazy recovery person!

Anywho, forget the silly key rings, onto the important question: What have I learned during my clean time? Not as much as I’d like, but way more than I did in the beginning. I have been fortunate enough to find a few tips and snippets of advice along my journey though. However, since addicts like to argue and debate with you about everything, I find it easier just to call them ‘simple truths’. Makes it sound more official- thus less debatable, don’t you think? [Insert a cute wink here.] So what are these ‘simple truths’ exactly? Well, here are [drumroll please]…

7- just off the top of my head-  ‘Recovering from Addiction’ simple truths:

1. Meetings, meetings, meetings. Go to them. Keep going to them. Don’t Stop.
2. Find a sponsor, get a support system, and most certainly work the 12 steps. How do you expect not to use again, if you don’t change what made you use in the first place? If you don’t, it will catch up to you at some point. And don’t you dare use religion as a scapegoat! I don’t want to hear, “I can’t work the steps because I’m not religious/don’t believe in God.” If I, a Buddhist, can use the NA program, so can you! [Note: If you’re a Buddhist, try reading ‘The 12 Step Buddhist’. I haven’t read it yet, but I’ve heard great things.]
3. Don’t use. Even when you want to, which will be about all the time in the beginning, don’t. Not using won’t solve everything, but it solves more than you think.
4. Find a hobby. Or two. Or three. In the beginning, you won’t have many friends [outside of NA meeting friends, if you allow yourself to make some] and won’t know what to do with all your free time [you’ll be surprised how much time you wasted drug searching, getting and using]. You’ll need things to occupy your time. Loneliness and boredom are big obstacles to overcome, and many addicts relapse solely because of them.
5. Did I mention meetings? Yeah, I think I’ll mention those again. Support systems too. Sponsors are really important as well, but you’ll want a support system to lean on until you can find the right sponsor.
6. Everyone is different. What works for others might have to be tweaked [not you, the concept/tip/advice/anything but you!], or even completely different, to work for you. However, that being said, recovery is usually a one size fits all type of thing. Which leads us to the next step, that is…
7. You’re usually not the exception. ‘You don’t need meetings.’ ‘You can do it on your own.’ ‘You’re not like everyone else, you don’t need the program to recover.’ Yeah, stop feeding yourself that load of crap. Don’t waste years figuring this out, especially when that time could be put towards working the program. Trust me. I know from experience.

If there is anything you can think of that I don’t have on here, or you’d like to dispute one [or more] of the ‘simple truths’ I have stated above, let me know via comment. I am definitely no expert in this field and don’t pretend to be! Like I said, everyone is different. You will probably have some slightly- or completely- different ‘simple truths’ once you get a year or so into your recovery, but here is something for you to hold on to while you rack up that clean time.

Breaking Up With My Boobies: My Woes Of Leaving Breastfeeding Behind.

It’s seven in the morning where I am. That makes today day 29 since I last breastfed. My mother was right, the pain in my heart has eased a little. Very little. Nights are the worst by far. To me, there is nothing better than snuggling up close with your baby [Yes, I co-sleep. Sue me!] and just watch as he drinks the life sustaining liquid you are giving him until he falls back asleep. There is just a bond with breastfeeding that I haven’t experienced with formula or the bottle [yet?]. I’m not saying it is the same for everyone, but merely speaking of my experience.

So, if I loved it so much, why did I quit breastfeeding? It was a couple things: 1] I had to go back on my ADHD medicine for college and testing beforehand. You see, my ADHD is so severe, they just pointed an arrow upwards on the chart because I surpassed their scoring levels. I talked with my old therapist I saw for years starting at fifteen- and who diagnosed me- and she agrees that there is no way I could make it through school without it. 2] There aren’t many studies regarding nursing mothers that also are taking stimulants simultaneously. Right now, the professional guess is that is should be okay. I don’t know about you, but I’m not risking my child’s health on guesses of what it should be! That’s not to bash mothers who decides to continue breastfeeding. I’m neurotic enough as it is over my child- which I’ll be covering in a post soon to come- so I don’t need something else to cause me to finally take flight over the coo coos nest. 3] Lastly, my son was beginning to struggle with breastfeeding. It was causing him horrible pain and take him over an hour to eat. He’d still be hungry afterwards, the discomfort would just wear him out. I was already forced to start supplementing with formula anyways. He’d breastfeed for over an hour, and then still be able to down 4oz of formula [at around 3 months of age].

So those were my reasons. I felt like I was losing a part of my child’s life that I’d never get back, like a deployed soldier missing the birth of his child or his kid’s first birthday. I was so heartbroken, and I still am! It’s getting better though. I can actually talk about breastfeeding without getting sad, and I have found other ways to deeply bond with my son that almost reaches the level of bonding I got from breastfeeding. He seems happier on the formula now too so, fortunately, he’s not hurting over this change of events like I am. I mean, even though I had to give up something I loved, it was in the best interest of my son [and even me since my education is very important]. Isn’t that what being a parent is all about? Doing what must be done, even if it’s not what you want to do?

I feel I have made another notch in my motherhood “belt”, if you will. Every day, I grow not only as a young adult woman, but as a truly great mother too. This was my first lesson teaching me that I am not in control. I can’t do whatever I want anymore because I’m no longer a ‘me’ but a ‘we’. I love it though, and wouldn’t change a thing. This heart ache will pass, but the pride in doing what’s best for my son and I- instead of just what I want to do- will always stay with me. However, I am so not having a second child till after college, or whenever I no longer need to treat my ADHD, and I’m going to breastfeed my future baby till she goes off to college herself! The college thing is a joke, people. Don’t worry. I’ll wean them before they hit puberty. [[wink]]

The Different Shades Of Change

This is going to be a post about my past catching up to me [more like seeking me out]. Since the day my ex- the one I posted about here- tossed me aside, everyone has come to me to talk about the latest news regarding him. Honestly, I didn’t care for the info at all, not until I became good friends with the woman he left me for. He knocked her up- a month before I became pregnant- then did the same to her once he found her replacement.

I am very protective of her because I care deeply for her. I have grown to love her for she is an amazing person. It angers me that he’s hurt her, and even strung her along. She was having his child, and now has had him [he’s gorgeous], so my pain caused by him can’t compare to hers. In my opinion, he’s a monster. If you knew what he wanted/tried to do for me to call him that, you’d agree with me 100%.

Anywho, onto my real topic: change. Now, as a recovering drug addict with over 1 1/2 years clean, I know that people can change. However, I also know that people temporarily fake change too. You know, those that don’t really want to change but wants people to respect and like them again, and to no longer be disappointed in them. People who haven’t lived a life similar to mine, or hasn’t intimately watched this kind of life, they don’t understand that true change takes quite some time of consistency. Owning up to your mistakes is a part of changing too, and that definitely hasn’t happened.

Just because he appears to be acting better for the last few weeks doesn’t mean crap. He’s seen me at my worst, he’s learned all my tricks. Just a week or two ago, he even stated, “Once I get her [mother of his child] back, I guess I’ll just get rid of my current one.” That, along with many, many other things he’s still doing, is proof that change hasn’t actually been made.

Who knows? I could be proven wrong. I hope I am.. I know the great person he can be, and he has a son to think about now. So far, he’s been a deadbeat dad. As I am working with my own son’s dad, who is really making progress, and he’s been defined as a deadbeat dad, that gives me hope my ex can change over time. Hopefully, his changes during this short period isn’t an act, but simply the beginning of him changing for real and forever.

[[edit: I’m sorry there are no pictures for this post. I’m very saddened to say that all my old pictures, including the ones of my ex, his family, his and our mutual friends and memories we shared together are in my missing- possibly gone for good- memory card.]]

Have you changed your life, or simply a part of it? Has someone you know changed? Have you ever tricked someone into thinking you’ve change, or has someone tricked you? What has your experience[s] been with change? I’d love to know so please leave a comment!

Like Father Like Son.

I’m sorry for the delay. I actually have Noa’s birth announcement post written, but there are still some finishing touches to be done. Until then, I have this minuscule post, written from my phone, to talk a little about Noa’s relationship with his father thus far. It’s a relationship still in the making, but it’s beginning to look up as of last night.

When we found out I was pregnant, Noa’s father- we’ll call him Anthony- ran for the hills. We had no communication until about a month before Noa was born. Looking back, I think he was freaked out, definitely embarrassed [for some reason], and just not ready to accept what was happening. He only saw Noa once during our 6 day stay in the hospital. It was seeming like he wanted nothing to do with him. It broke my heart.

After another 2 month break of not talking, we are back at it again. I’m finally beginning to understand that Anthony’s emotionless attitude towards his son, and to me and everyone else, is just a part of his personality. It’s not that he doesn’t care, just that he doesn’t show it. This understanding is finally allowing me to forgive him, and letting us try and figure this parenting stuff out. Together. Seeing him hold his son last night, it melted my heart. The way he looked at Noa gave me so much hope. Maybe things will work out after all…

What kind of issues have you had with your child’s other parent? How did you handle it? Did it work out, or go up in flames?

Proud & Almost Due!

I am reaching the end of my pregnancy journey, and about to begin a new journey called motherhood. I am exactly 38 weeks pregnant as of today. Feeling great isn’t something I could say with a straight face right now, but this pregnancy hasn’t been that horrible. Yes, the morning sickness was bad- really bad- and I’ve had back pain and heartburn in the third trimester. However, the second trimester was pretty great. The morning sickness went away [although it did come back by the third trimester] and I had energy.

That’s not what this post is about though. I want to talk about how I am feeling today—proud. I am proud that I am bringing this wonderful boy into the world, proud that I’ve been clean this entire pregnancy [and was clean long before it too], proud that I am finally getting the education that I want, proud that I was taken off guard by and prevailed against my addiction last week.

Last week, my mom and I went to Knoxville. My mom’s side of the family lives there, and my aunt does really good hair. My mother decided to treat me to getting my hair done so I’d look good in my labor and delivery pictures. [Wasn’t that sweet of her?] Well, we stayed with my aunt since she had enough room now that her diabetic son moved out. Now, some diabetics use insulin via injection with an insulin syringe- my cousin is one such diabetic.

Suffice to say, he had left a brand spankin’ new bag of syringes in his room, and I happened upon them while I was unpacking my luggage. So why am I proud? Because my first instinct was to holler for my mother, grab them up and toss them to her to give to my aunt. The old me would have thought, “Jackpot!”, shut the door to the entertainment system and left them to stash in my bag once everyone was out of the room. That might not sound like a big deal to any of you, but it’s a huge deal to me.

So, to all the active addicts [and those struggling to stay clean], recovery is possible, and your drug-oriented mind will rewire itself and change. It gets better. It. Gets. So. Much. Better. Anywho, that’s my little tale. Happy holidays, everyone!

GED Testing & Baby Shower- Finished!

So I finished my GED testing today [it was a two day test process]. I feel pretty good about it, and think I did well. When I took the practice test, I scored very high so I wasn’t too worried. I do, however, have really bad test anxiety, so it’s a big deal that I even did this. I also have anxiety about driving- especially when I don’t know where I’m going- and this trickled over into that as well. Like I stated earlier, this was a two day test taking process, and both days my navigator had to ‘recalculate route’. Oops.

So what is going on in the baby department? Well, Noa sure is growing [and growing]. His kicks had slowed down for a few days, but picked back up in time for my GED test. I had the worst Braxton hicks contractions the first day of testing, and he went insane as I was testing today.

My baby shower was this last Sunday- it was amazing! Seriously! My older sisters really know how to throw a good party, everyone couldn’t stop saying so too. Do you have a Mellow Mushroom where you live? That’s where we had it. I thought their food was delish, and I’m a vegetarian! Back to the party itself… we had game after game, scratch off lottery tickets, my sister reciting a poem that my dad had written when I was born [which was so good], and so many presents! Words cannot express how grateful I am for them throwing me a baby shower. So many items were purchased- items that I needed- and it saved me so much money. Plus, I had the best time I’ve had in a long time. I also got to see so many people I haven’t seen in a long time. It rocked! I’m definitely sending both sisters a thank you card…

EDIT: I got both my sisters a card. Also, I have a few pictures to share with you guys. Here are the latest baby bump and baby shower photos:

[ Aren’t I getting huge!? ]

[ My grandmother and I @ my baby shower ]

[ Look at all those presents! ]

And that’s about it for now. I’ll be updating soon though!

GED & Halloween

So I have been working on getting my GED the past few weeks. Here in my county- possibly in the state of TN in general- that’s a three test process: the TABE test, to determine if you need classes; GED Practice Test, I’m assuming this is to prepare you and help them help you; and, finally, the official GED test. Right now, I am in the practice test stage.

Actually, I was suppose to finish my practice test this morning, but they seemed to have forgotten about me- no one was there! I called them twice today, leaving them a message each time, and I plan on called them once or twice each day until they answer too. I have to get my GED to get into college, and I have to get into college to make a better life for Noa and I. Besides, how can I make Noa stay in school when I didn’t finish school myself? Hypocrites annoy me.

[ Me @ 29 Weeks ]

I think I’m doing pretty darn well with my GED testing. I got the highest score possible on all sections of the TABE test. I’ve been most worried with the math tests since it’s been years since I’ve been in school, and the essay portion because of my ADHD that I can’t take my medicine for. Heck, I’ve been nervous over the entire test because of my un-medicated ADHD. However, with both the TABE and practice test, I have been taken aback with how easy the test has been [especially the math sections]. If I work hard to stay focused, I think I will be able to get the essay done in the allotted 45-minutes.

It’s been a dream of mine to go to college. After I finally took my own life by the reigns and put my drug addiction into recovery, I have wanted nothing more than to go back to college and get a degree. Now, I will have to alter my college plans regarding major and post-college career with Noa coming, but I wouldn’t change a single thing in my life even if I could. Noa has been a blessing. He has changed my life so much already- for the better- and things haven’t even started yet!

How has having a child, single or with a significant other, changed your life? What has been the good things, and what about the bad? If you are just now pregnant with your first, how has your life been changing so far?

PS Happy Halloween, everyone! I’m not dressing up myself- thanks to procrastination- but I can’t wait to see everyone’s costumes. We had a Rocky Horror Picture Show even at work last weekend, and it was so much fun seeing everyone dressed up. Here’s a picture:

A Free 3D Ultrasound!

This is going to be a short post, but I just couldn’t stop myself. [And why would I?] I had my ultrasound this Tuesday. Not only that, but the nurse took a free 3D image of Noa because she said, “He was just in the perfect position.” She is definitely getting a Christmas gift! I just can’t stop looking at these pictures:

The nurse said, “He is most certainly still a boy!” That’s my boy!

 

Here is a profile shot of Noa. I was hoping he’d get his biological father’s nose- I love the traditional African-American nose- and he did!

 

It took my mom and I a minute to figure out what that was around his mouth. He’s sucking his thumb, a finger wrapped around his nose to lock his hand in place.

 

Here’s a profile shot of Noa sucking his thumb. He is so precious and oh-so-perfect!

 

He is absolutely amazing. Everything I could ever want in a child! Look at that wide, flat nose, big fat lips, and pinch-able cheeks. So cute!

Like I said, I can’t stop looking at these ultrasound pictures. Of course, with that perfect little face looking back at me in them, who would be able to stop? I am a little sad now though. I know Noa’s a boy. I know what he looks like. There’s not many surprises left. However, his skin tone is still a big mystery. [In my fantasy world, he comes out as dark as his bio-father.] Don’t get me wrong, I am still super happy and stoked for the birth of my son- nothing can change that. I’m just saying, next time around [if there ever is a next time], I might keep things like their gender a mystery till birth. Have you, or someone you know, done this? What was the experience like?

The Latest News…

Update time! I am now 27 weeks and 4 days pregnant. And, I must say, I am beginning to feel very pregnant. That’s not necessarily a bad thing- all the time, at least- but it can be an inconvenient thing. I’m learning fairly quick that I can’t fit through spaces that I used to be able to, and that walking up a flight of stairs will require a moment to recuperate afterwards. All in all though, this pregnancy has been great [especially after the first trimester]. Here is a picture of me ogling my baby bump, taken as I was leaving for work yesterday afternoon:

I cannot believe how big I am getting, and that I’m still getting bigger every. single. day. My tummy is getting really hard but my belly button has stayed in it’s little cubby so far. My breasts have become extremely massive- we’re talking bowling ball massive- and I’m starting to leak a clear liquid from my nipples. [TMI? my bad.] I guess Noa’s milk supply is coming in. Unfortunately for him, I won’t be able to breastfeed because of my ADHD medication I’ll be back on after his birth.

What else is new? I finally completed my baby shower registry! I say finally because it took over a month of my mother rescheduling on me [this is my first child, so I wasn’t sure what all to get] for us to finally make some time to go do it. You can view my registry by clicking here. I’m not expecting any readers to purchase anything; however, I do feel the need to show off what took me hours to create. My original plan was to do Target and Wal-Mart. However, Target took hours but I scanned absolutely everything my mom and I could think of- over 155 items! Even though the baby shower date has yet to be set, I am super stoked and very grateful for my two older sisters that are throwing it for me. [I love you, Vickie and Paula!]

In conclusion to my list of updates, an ultrasound session is scheduled during my next appointment with my baby doctor [aka OB/GYN]. My appointment is this coming Tuesday- October 4th- and I am so far beyond excited to see my little man! You should definitely expect a post that day, as well as lots and lots of pictures. I also have an update regarding Noa’s “father” , but I think it’s best that I save that for it’s very own post. Anywho, talk to you all again soon!

UPDATE: A new Life & A New Baby Bump

It has been FOREVER since I have updated this blog. For that, I am so sorry. Life has been crazy, and blogging has been the last thing on my mind. However, not writing has really started to get to me nowadays. I need it as much as I need air, so here I am. So what have I been up to these past few months? The picture below should answer that question for you. If you can’t figure it out, I am in my seventh month of pregnancy. Oh my is right!

It’s a boy, in case you’re wondering. Noa James Paul Wylie will be the name of my amazing son. He was not planned, but is very much loved regardless. When the father found out I was with child, he bolted and I haven’t heard from him since. Me and his father, Will, were not compatible. At all. We were already on the verge of breaking up, so I, personally, am not heartbroken. However, I am heartbroken for my son. I told Will that he didn’t have to be with me to be in his son’s life, and he said he was on board with taking responsibility and being a good dad to Noa like his dad was to him. That was the last conversation I have had with him, he started ignoring me after that and hasn’t made any attempts to contact me to ask how Noa’s doing. We’re so much better off- I know this- but what am I suppose to tell my son? When he’s older, I’ll tell him the truth: his father wasn’t ready to be a father. There’s no reason to get into ugly details. But what am I suppose to tell him when he’s little? What do I say?

Having a baby really does change you, like my old therapist says, either for the better or worst. It has changed how I look at my life. The choices I make, they don’t just affect me anymore.  Am I scared? Of course! I am terrified, actually. Am I ready? No where near ready, but is anyone ever truly ready? No they are not, although, if they are, please don’t tell me.

So that is where I am in life right now. It’s exciting, amazing, and joyous, but also scary, nerve-wracking, and stressful. However, I wouldn’t change a single thing in my life. I am finally content with where I am and where I am going. Expect to hear from me more often; writing relieves some stress and makes everything better.